alexher123

 

In many ways the ultimate music outsider, Jandek’s brand of weird and often challenging music in many ways asks of the listener questions. Chief among them to at times redefine what music can be, and can you actually like something like what he produces.

Having released 61 albums over the course of 30 years, not much is actually known about Jandek from a biographical standpoint. His album covers often feature the image of a man but until live performances beginning in 2004, there was no conformation that the man on the images was the performer on the albums.

Starting with 1978’s Ready for the House, Jandek began to build an image of the reclusive musician, denying requests for interviews, in fact only giving two over the course of his career. All information that could be gathered was done through two means, the albums themselves and writing to the record label putting out the records, Corwood, who would in turn send a type writer catalogue of all the available albums for sale.

His music’s dark and somewhat personal nature, along with his reclusive nature early on, lead to theories among those who followed his music that Jandek was speaking from personal experience, producing autobiographical music. And that much of the music was recorded in one frantic session and once 19 albums were released they would stop completely. This theory seemed plausible after the release of his 21st album which ended with a frantic song by the name of electric end, lasting 19 minutes.

However with his live performances, never credited to Jandek, but to a “Representative from Corwood Records” has lead to a now more popular notion that the Jandek albums themselves represent a sort of artistic project not related to any fact but instead works of fiction, making his biographical information irrelevant to the understanding of the work.

The music itself shares lyrical elements common with folk and blues music. They often deal with the theme of heart break, desolation, desperation and loneliness at their core. However the music itself is highly unconventional, with what can be described as unique guitar tuning, atonal singing and often yelling. And while mostly solo work occasionally, as in the case of the song Nancy Sings on the second album, there does appear to be collaboration with other musicians. While the music itself can often be difficult, its haunting quality along with the mystery of who Jandek himself may be has won a small but devoted fan base. In reality the best way to understand Jandek, and his music is to experience it for yourself.

 

Considered by many of his peers who knew him as one of the greatest country and folk musicians of all time, Townes Van Zandt lived an often trouble life, filled with substance abuse and depression that lead to his untimely death by heart attack at age 52.

Born John Townes Van Zandt in Fort Worth, Texas, he was the member of a prominent Texas family, whose ancestors were among the founders of the state. In his youth he attended exclusive institutions and was noted for being a good student and athlete. His life was in being groomed for greatness that came with his name. He would be eventually accepted into the pre-law program at the University of Houston and attempted to join the Air Force but was denied entry due to his being, according to doctors, “an acute manic depressive who has made minimal adjustment to life”  

After the death of his father in 1966, Townes dropped out of school and began to pursue his music careers, having first started playing at age 8 after a guitar was given to him as a gift. His life at that point began to become in many ways an absolute rejection of his upbringing and past.

Noted for being a heavy drinker and his heroin addiction, he often would show up to shows drunk, too drunk to even play. He enjoyed hanging out in town’s skid rows and making the acquaintances of whinos, bums and other seedy characters. He himself would overdose on heroin and almost die in 1971.

However the period between 1968 and 1973, while being some of the darkest was also his most prolific as a song writer. He produced 5 albums many of which included some of his well known and highly regard songs, including Waiting Around to Die, Poncho and Lefty, and For the Sake of the Song.

He received much critical acclaim during his career but never was more than a cult figure in the music scene. He himself detested the Nashville scene and felt more at home among those considered to be on the wrong side of the tracks. 

Through out much of his life he struggled to keep his music in print, and never released albums on major labels despite being regarded as the quintessential songwriter’s songwriter, having his songs covered by musicians such as Willie Nelson, Lyle Lovett and Bob Dylan. And throughout much of his late years took to playing small venues and private shows to make ends meet, often sleeping on friends couches.

He would often attempt to get clean throughout his life but later on as his health failed, was told by doctors that attempts to detox him would probably prove fatal in his weakened physical state. He died in 1997 at age 52 from a heart attack after surgery which attempted to fix a broken hip he suffered and refused to get treated for a week. 44 years to the day of the death of his own hero Hank Williams, and at the same age as his own father.

Late in his life with attention being placed on his talents, he did begin recording more, including an album of duets with artists who considered him a major influence and what would be his major label debut. However his self destructive ways and early death left both unfinished.

Despite his heard drinking, heroin addiction and what seemed like an ultimately self destructive life, Townes Van Zandt’s genius was still able to shine through. Admired by his peers and considered and many of his songs becoming standards in the genre. Steve Earle said of him “the best songwriter in the whole world and I'll stand on Bob Dylan's coffee table in my cowboy boots and say that.”

 

New York City’s Cymbals Eat Guitars often garner comparison to well known 90’s Indie bands such as Pavement, Built to Spill, and Modest Mouse, all correct in their nature the sound in no way sounds dated.  Cymbals Eat Guitars manage to mix all these influences to produce something familiar yet thoroughly different and forward looking.

Formed when lead singer Joseph D’Agostino was only 19, they began working on Demos before being a fully formed band with Charles Bissell of The Wrens fame before the band had fully formed. Charles Bissell himself commenting later on how mature D’Agostino was despite his age and assuring they’d be indie famous before long.

And that assessment makes sense. On their self released debut album, Why There Are Mountains, which garnered the best new music honors by pitchfork media, they constantly mix what seems like a dizzying amount of sounds and effects into well crafted, self assured and on occasion epic songs. When seeing them live one often feels as if they must be playing multiple songs all at one but never do you feel as if its too cluttered a sound. And while the album provides a miss or two, it’s an overall solid debut for such a young band.

The potential for Cymbals Eat Guitars seems limitless and it’s really only a matter of time before everyone else starts to catch on to what some already have, that they are worth taking notice of.

And the Hazy Sea

Cold Spring

Wind Phoenix

Some Trees

 

Formed in 2002 by Dave Longstreth, Brooklyn’s The Dirty Projectors have produced a series of albums that are creative, challenging and critically acclaimed. And most important have earned them a following among Indie rock fans. Dave Longstreth along with a group of revolving musicians have formed the Dirty Projectors over time.

The first official release fully under the Dirty Projectors name came by way of 2003’s The Glad Fact. The album itself would receive modest critical praise and attention but would introduce certain elements into the music that continue throughout their subsequent albums, such as songs about brown finches.

This album would be followed by the release of a couple of EP, and a full length by way of 2005’s The Getty Address, a concept album described as being “a modern opera about post-9/11 America, the destruction of our natural wilderness, the confrontation between Hernan Cortes and the Aztecs in the early 16th century, and a protagonist named after Don Henley.”

The album was recorded over the span of five months and three states using twenty five musicians. Dave Longstreth would then later deconstruct the tracks and overdub his own vocals, bass and guitar to them. Creating a rich and distinctive sound while manage to avoid the clutter of sound possible from such a large amount of musicians.

 

The release of 2007’s Rise Above would bring the band more attention than ever before. The album itself, a re-imagining of Black Flag’s classic album, Damaged, was written and recorded by Longstreth purely from memory not having listened to Damaged itself in over 15 years. That album as their previous ones was critically well received as well. With The Onion’s AV Club commenting “Dave Longstreth clearly had more than a remake on his mind—a mind whose wandering ways will be worth following for years to come”

2009’s Bitte Orca would however prove so far to be the bands most well received album both commercially and critically. Near universally praised by major publications and blogs, its been called by Streogum as “a pay-off for joining Dave Longstreth on his years of recorded self-discovery" It recently  made Pitchforks Top Albums of the Decade list at #54. And the band is beginning to appear on national television for the first time. The album is the bands most guitar oriented album but maintains their distinctive sound and level of experimentation and creativity that fans of the band have to expect of them and love.

Rise Above

Stillness is the Move


Cannibal Resource


I Will Truck

 

 

 

1. I use to like ska a lot. I've since recovered.




2. Howl is my favorite poem.



3. I'd probably go gay for Morrissey, I'd defiantly cuddle.




4. I hold doors open for women and small children. I give up my seat to old ladies, pregnant women and children, and I become very annoyed when others don't.





5. I can burp on command,  just tell me burp and I can.




6. I hate watermelon. Its a texture thing, it tastes amazing but when you look at it, its solid food, but when put in your mouth it melts away. I realize this is one of the main selling points of Watermelon, but for me its just a royal mind fuck I can't deal with and makes me want to vomit.




7. I can sit through any sporting event on earth. It may be just part of my male genetic make up, but really how many people do you know can sit through curling and then watch a cricket test match in the same week, just because its on. (PS: Curling, so much more exciting than its given credit for, and way better than cricket.)





8. I'm kind of afraid of escalators, and often envision a death which involves being mauled by one.




9. I'm kind of a know it all, not consciously, and not to be an asshole. It just happens, I generally feel bad about it.




10. I'm loyal to a fault and often ends up with me being disappointed in the actions of others.




I tag, Jerr, Kassady, IkkyG, Hidedontseek,  and whoever else wants to do this

The seven piece welsh indie pop band Los Campesinos! exude an energy through catchy songs and simple but smart song writing that many punk and metal bands strive unsuccessfully to achieve. Formed in 2006 at the University of Cardiff early internet buzz from their demos and well received live shows helped them land a opening spot on tour with Broken Social Scene.
Eventually singing to indie label Wichita Records, In 2008 the band released their first full length album Hold On Now, Youngster... which was me with many positives review, and finding its way onto various Top 10 record of the year lists thanks to its insanely catchy and up beat songs, and often witty and fun song witting .They proved they were more than just the product of the internet hype machine.



;Death to Los Campesinos!
;My Year in Lists
The International Tweecore Underground

Too often as a society we are quick to pat ourselves on the back. To act as if we have done a job, and even if its not fully complete we can go ahead and ignore the problems of before because we full expect someone else to fix them.

Too many people I see touting how they have changed the world because they voted, people who up to a month ago may very have not even truly cared about the issues. People who I know when tomorrow comes will no longer care, will feel their job is done, that the world is somehow already better. People who's reason for interest is spurn forward by celebrity and an election cycle of particular interest. But what happens when that is done with?

What happens is that the suffering of the world has not ended. What happens is that the oppression of people throughout the world has not ended. What happens is that tomorrow morning millions of kids will still go hungry. What happens is there will be countless of atrocities, of crimes, and of abuses that will go under reported, unreported and all together ignored for the lack the glamor, and ease of correction as some seem to want.

There wont be celebrities, there wont be songs, or high paid campaigns for "Change". Change has not happened yet, a vote does not mean change. If all you do is pull a lever or push a button once every four years and then return to your complete state of apathy, a complete state of disregard for the world around you, then you are ever as guilty for ignoring your world. You have not created change, you have created an inflated sense of self satisfaction and nothing more.

Because change takes hard work. Change takes dedication. Change takes a willingness to go out on a limb and do things. Change takes time, and often generations.

What happened yesterday was a monumental event in American history on a social level. A mere four decades since the sixties we have elected an African-American as president. We have once more lived up to the promise of America. We have shown that we can heal old wounds, and truly do something special.

But really that's the only change I saw last night.

Gloriously stolen from BUZZLULZ

Step 1: Open up whatever MP3 program you use and add every song in your collection.

Step 2: Put it on random.

Step 3: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.

Step 4: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

Step 5: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

Step 6: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!


1. Charlie I'm pregnant living on 9th street above a dirty book store.

2. SOS in a state of emergency, the situation and the prying eyes look at me.

3. Well if i found God anywhere it would be by the tracks, face down in a box car 40 in both hands.

4. I hate the politics! (LOL!!!!! AT THE FACT THIS CAME UP)

5. You said send me stationary to make me horny.

6. I'm the boy that looks excited, I'm the boy that's going to fall apart.

7. Hear that lonesome whippoorwill he sounds too blue to fly.

8. Last night I had burritos and drank a lot of beer.

9. You got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend.

10. I dove into that freezing sea with a parasite attached to me.

11. Do you still dream of that mountain bed we made of limbs and leaves?

12.  I'm a pop punk girl i like sunny days, stupid jokes and a good Ramones song.

13.  One song about a girl can't breath when I'm around her.

14.  All that time your were keeping me straight I was bleeding powers.

15.  Dont smoke, I don't drink, I don't fuck.

16. Everybody is looking at me I thought i saw my face on MTV.

17. I dont like the way you cook, i just like the way you look.

18. I can't wait to be a rock star so I can do lots of drugs.

19. Sometimes I wonder if i'm never going to make it home again.

20. This album is dedicated to all the teachers that told id never amount to nothing. 

I can still sing by heart all the words to Jude Law and A Semester Abroad and other songs from the Brand New's Your Favorite Weapon with all the conviction of a former 16 year old boy that I once was and despite my musical tastes maturing and evolving that part of me can still recognize a catchy album when I hear one Fast Times at Barrington High is one of those albums.

I must give credit where credit is due, The Academy Is... can write a good pop song. The album at its best is catchy, the type of summer album you play endlessly through mid-july expeditions to 7-11's, through restless nights sitting at home with friends and those moments of no real consequence that mean so much which leads me to wonder why you would release an album of that nature in Mid-August.

Its strength also accounts for a great weakness within, the albums tracks seem to start at some point to meld together, not nessecarily stand out on their own and at no point does the band seem to challange itself musically. There is no ground breaking stuff here at all, no new subjects that no one has ever done before. I guess High School is just universal. William Beckett's voice lends itself at times really well to the music and of the lead singers out there within this genre I must admit his is among the better voices.

For the target audience this album probably hits the spot, the same way Leaving Through the Window hit the spot for me 6 long  years ago but I guess we all have to get old sometime, and hopefully the band will join me in our older age, their talent for crafting song is evident, and maybe challanging themselves a bit more they can produce something just a little more wonderful.

If you're 17 by all means go buy this, but if you are like me I think im happy being 22.



Rating: 3.73256 of 5

1.


2.


3.



4.


5.




Thats my list of musical guilty pleasures...for real.




I tag whoever hasn't been tagged but to be also specific say, thesusieq, flyingbunny, and undead4gerard. I dont know if you have been tagged but if you havent now you have. The End.

Upon having seen Lost Boys: The Tribe, it has become clear to me, and I can finally state without fear of damnation, that there is in fact no god. And if there ever was one he clearly must be dead.  Nothing else explains what I saw.

CLAP CLAP BITCHES CAUSE IM BACK!



thank you

1. The Smiths - Frankly Mr. Shankly
2. They Might Be Giants - Don't Let's Start
3. David Bowie - Life On Mars?
4. The Descendents - Hope
5. Bob Dylan - Visions of Johanna
6. The Beatles - When I'm Sixty-Four
7. The Arrogant Sons of Bitches - Go Ska!
8. The World/Inferno Friendship Society - Just the Best Party.
9. The Shins - Australia
10.  The Suicide Machines - New Girl
11. Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
12. Weezer - El Scorcho.


I realize some of these songs are actually kind of depressing but they cheer me up anyways as they are a blast to sing out loud.

Since I finished Twilight, in the span of less than a week I've re-read Fever Pitch, Franny and Zooey and Certain poems from Residence on Earth. Now that I feel my body has been cleansed its time I start up with the next part. Part 2 of an eventual 4, New Moon. May god be with me.



Chapter 1

OH HAI GUYZ! ITS ME AGAIN!

The gang is also back Bella "Lavender Steak" Swan, and Edward "SPARKLE P33N" Cullen and its time for a party. To celebrate our little damsels escaping her mothers womb (I bet she got lost on the way out) a mere 18 years ago.
 
You know something, I love Alice I really do, something about her amuses me. I envision her as constantly doing back flips and yelling go team at every chance she gets. I want to put Alice in my pocket and keep her forever along with Jasper. We could sing songs of the Confederacy, talk about state rights and predict the weather together. It would be amazing.

If only dreams came true.

Oh yeah Bella gets a paper cut, Jasper attacks, she falls through glass spilling blood, vampires go ape shit with hunger, want to eat her etc etc.

I mean really, who didn't see that coming over and over and over again.

Chapter 2.

    Maybe I've read too much in my life. Maybe the Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Joyce and Salinger I've spent so many hours with is getting the best of me. But I'm starting to try to find meaning in everything. Meaning that clearly doesn't exist. Like is Bella truly a reliable narrator. Is Bella like Humbert Humbert in Lolita, only serving his own self interest in telling the story, and thus leaving out details. Or maybe Bella is like Benjy in the first part of The Sound and the Fury, a title taken from Macbeth's Soliloquy in act 5.

    "And then there is no more: its a tale
    told by an idiot; full of sound and fury
    signifying nothing"

    Is Bella to be trusted, maybe when she "slips and falls in glass" its really Edward violently beating her, and really shes justifying his actions as that of her clumsiness to protect her love, like Humbert Humbert does in attempting to protect his twisted relationship with Dolores. Maybe Bella is just like Benjy, a mentally challanged individual whos version of the events must be doubted.
Maybe like Benjy being castrated, a symbol of the fall of the Compson family, Bella's clumsiness is some sort of symbol of the dangerous nature of her relationship. The danger of which she must face, the fragile nature, that everything can fall apart like the glass. Her fall being in some way symbolic of the future fall of her well thought out dream world.

    I really think all these things, but then in a moment of clarity I realize, this is Stephenie Meyer I am talking about. I am  a 22 year old man reading a vampire love story, so stop trying to pass it off as acceptable literary diversion. And I just feel defeated and realize all our Mormon friend is really doing is just setting back the women's liberation movement 20 years. Bella is really that hard to stay on your feet for more than 10 minutes. Just for me babe?


Chapter 3.

Poor Bella, getting the silent treatment from Edward. A girl falls through a piece of glass and injures herself, you'd think he'd cut her just a little slack. I love how Edward and Charlie bond over Sportscenter. I wonder if they also sat there and objectified women as another stereotypical male activity.

Why must Bella put herself down so much? We get it, Eddie is a god, and you aren't but seriously you need to drop it. Constantly complaining about your looks when you probably are attractive (see all the boys asking her out) has to be the biggest turn off. No wonder Sparkle P33N has to protect his "virtue".

But here comes the dark dark revelation so far in the book. The Cullens are leaving, and never to see our dear Bella again. Edward wants to make a clean break because its for her own good. Edward has all the signs of an abusive husband, he up and leaves when he wants to show he has the power, that Bella is worthless. This book is really a case study in the symptoms of an abusive relationship.

What amused me most of all about this whole thing is that on the reservations they celebrate with bond fires the departure of the Cullens. This is an insult to the noble Cullens and I hope they purchase large amounts of special blankets if they ever do return!

Or Jack Daniels, both of them will work fine.

Chapter 4

    There is an implication in this chapter that Bella has spent 4 months doing absolutely nothing because of Edward. We've all broken up and its sucked. I've had two particularly traumatic break ups in my life, the kind that make you impossibly sad and unable to cope. One occurred when I was young, about 16, and proved to be the first major heart break of my life, the first time I realized girls had a power to make me feel sad beyond words. And the second occurred much closer to now, at age 20, a few months from 21.
    Both of them sucked in their own way, and each had particular positive and negative effects on my life (Even now, 6 years on, I've yet to have another real best friend) but you know what, I moved on and learned things about myself and others. I learned there are people who truly love me and would do anything for me. I learned that as crippling as life can be, in the end you can go on. I learned that Life On Mars? is the best song to sing in early June while its raining and you happen to be moping.
    Bella had a chance to learn. Bella could have taken this event, mourned the loss of Edward in her life and moved on. She could learned all sorts of lessons about those around her. That not only is she a strong, capable human being but that she has the support of others.
    I know Mike and Jessica would be there for her. They seem like nice people. Charlie would take a bullet for Bella, and even her flaky mother would I'm sure be there for her, you know when shes not doing her hunky second rate ball player.
    Stephenie Meyer had a chance to make Bella strong, to make Bella a complete person. Instead we have a woman who has now discovered that if she puts herself in danger she can hear his voice. Knowing what I know about Bella I can only assume that soon she will wrestle a bear.
    The argument is made that Hollywood puts unrealistic expectations of what true love is into our heads. When we see a movie like when Harry Met Sally we assume that will happen to us. We assume that love is easy, that we will find our soul mate and live happily ever after. When relationships aren't at all easy, in fact relationships are really hard and take more work than can ever be described.
    My favorite romantic comedy of all time is Annie Hall. Annie Hall is the only romantic comedy I have ever seen that I felt truly approximates the reality of life. We fall in love and it doesn't always work out. But at the end you realize how much fun you really had. What a pleasure it was to know and be with that person and share whatever it is you did share.
    Girls will look up to Bella. They will model their expectations of what true love is, of what they want in a man based on this relationship. Their obsessive and controlling relationship will be seen by some girl somewhere as what it is you want to find in a man. My sister is currently reading Twilight, and I hope shes smart of enough to realize how terribly wrong this all is.
    Stephenie Meyers what you wrote about isn't love, its obsession. An unhealthy obsession that you attempt to pass off as true love. Generally I try to be amusing at the end of all this and inform you that real men sparkle. While they do sparkle, I guess really this is one time its all just isn't very funny at all. 

I had a dream last night, as I walking down the street I noticed every man alive had a copy of Twilight with them. Yet no one seemed to acknowledge what they were reading and instead attempted to hide it constantly for fear of others knowing about their twilove. I finally chased down a 14 year old  into an alley where i got the truth form him about an international twilight conspiracy being undertaken by men. I woke up after that and realized I hated myself a little more.

But after a long delay due to my own laziness and mental health needs here it is, the final installment of my Twilight posts. These chapters were  all sort of long without saying much so in an attempt to make this easier on all of us ive condensed it down to just one quick lump sum.


Chapter 17 & 18

Of all the sports our mild mannered Cullens could take part in they choose Baseball, America's pastime. This brings up so many questions, but then again what doesn't in this book. Like if you are a 100  year old vampire why baseball. Why not say football which is a lot more physical , or hell Australian rules football which is football if you just think the NFL is too cutesy and for girls. Maybe something generally done in doors or in really cold places like Hockey. Or Curling,  yes curling a sport who's aim is to throw a rock into a circle and have people sweep with a broom to either help slow or gain speed as it gets to said circle. This would be single handedly the most amazing game of  curling. and an event so epic that I'd pay good money to see. If only for the sake of Canada, I wish they would.  And also why don't the aluminum bats bend or break if they are striking the ball with such great strength it sounds like lightning. Why can't Stephenie mayer just make a chapter I can read and peacefully just get on with my life? I think she does to me on purpose at this point.

OH BUT WAIT THERES MORE!

Oh noes! new vamps in town! And they think Bella is a snack! OH NOES I SAID OH NOES! And they are hissing at each other like feral cats! Deliciously attractive god like feral cats made of dimonds encrusted in granite with the eyes to make Bella melt, but feral cats none the less. When did this book start to turn into a suspense story regarding baseball playing vampires and feral cats! But hey i'm liking it.


Chapter 19&20

And so it has begun, Bella is now being hunted. This sudden shift in story really has me very happy. The prospect of Bella possibly being vampire food while i know ultimately will not come can only give me hope in some future book she will become food. And really what more can I ask than for just a little hope. One thing I liked is for once Bella stood up for herself and made her opinion matter. True I'm sure Edward will still get his way and a beating this way toward Bella comes but at least she got to keep some dignity in herself. You know at least until Edward decides to take that away too, because he loves her.

Alice's gift seemed so cool, that is until i found out its dependent on the actions of others. "oh if he changed his course a little then the whole future changes!" What a lame power, she basically has the power to make really accurate educated guesses. Unless as she said, it involves the weather. At least we know if this vegetarian vampire gig falls through at least she has a fall back.

Chapter 21 through 24
So many twilight chapters just run into and out of each other like dull meaningless artifacts that make my head want to explode, Bella sometimes seems so long winded and just stupid to no end. I can't help but think that if Bella was real I'd really really hate her.

James-
Once in a lifetime a character so evil, so amazing, so hardcore comes along that we mere mortals pee our pants in fear. A man even the wise Henry Rollins would fear. This man is James.

Lets examine what he has done. In sequencal order.

1) Decides that because Alice is the only one who got away that Bella is the target for his feeding.
2) Leads the Cullens up north as his woman searches for clues, when none are to be had he turns back around to forks.
3) Flies out to phoenix and calls Bella. Bella hears her mother distressed and is convinced he has her.
4) She manages to escape to only find out the James has actually used old video tapes to trick her into coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) He makes her go to the ballet studio near by to kill her because he wants to record it for Edward. He feels that the mirrors would make for a cool effect in the death sequence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This man is amazing, this man deserves to kill Bella. This man of course does not. The Cullens come in and save the day. She breaks a ton of ribs and her and you know what who really cares. James is dead!

James, I miss you already.

They tell Bella's mom that she fell down the stairs and thats why she got that injured, and whats worse is her mother finds it truly plausible. When the world has concluded you are that clumsy, its time to re-evaluate your life.

Blah Blah Blah, why is this book 400 + pages. I just wish you all could see how many times i sigh defeated sighs as i type this resigned to the fact I just will never get any of my wishes.

Prologue-

It's over its finally finally over. I won't even go into too  many details about prom really is it needed? we know hes controlling, we know shes clumsy and empty in the head, and yes she went to prom with a cast on because EDWARD SAID SO!

I guess really this is the end and I feel accomplished I won't lie. I did what seemed impossible to me. I'm sure there are unknown side effects to this. Today as I was watching a movie in theaters someone mentioned Native American's biggest weakness is alcohol, out side of small pox of course, and I turned to Shannon and whispered something along the lines of "I wonder if its on the blankets too". That can't be healthy. I also suspect I may now be sterile but outside of that It's all good.

That is until tomorrow when I start all over again. I now have New Moon in my possession and every intention to start and finish it within the week. I only pray that I can live through it just one more time. But until then, please remember spay and neuter your cats and dogs, but most of all please remember that real men sparkle. 

Someday in the distant future, I will sit in my family and my grandchildren will sit all around. In a faint old voice, I will slowly retell the tale of how their grandfather, over a 2 month stretch in the spring of 2008 read all the twilight books. Not only read them but lived to tell about it. That really is my only hope. Sometimes honestly, Nazi Germany is nothing compared to twilight.


Chapter 13.

    As if you could out run him!
    As if you could resist him!
    You silly little sheep!
    Here you made of skin and flesh, a mere human!
    And him made of 100% Dazzle.

    He sparkles. He god damn sparkles. Like no really seriously, sparkles! It says so on he script too. "Edward's skin literally sparkles as if embedded with thousands of tiny diamonds' You don't make that shit up. For thousands of years Vampires have been creatures of the night. Evil soulless hell spawn who's aversion to sunlight believed to be caused by their inability to not die in it. Thankfully Stephenie Meyer has cleared all this up. No its not silly little hell spawn thing, its just you know THEY SPARKLE! THEY REALLY REALLY SPARKLE! Now wonder Edward is so Dazzling.

    But what did you expect? its not like you could out run him, you little sheep. He is a greek god, with cold skin, and HE SPARKLES!

    The amount of hilarity that takes part in the chapter for me can not be put into coherent words. If i was more eloquent I'd be able to explain this chapter in a better way but i mean really he just sparkles, and dazzles at the same time. If i was a better chart and diagram maker id do that but im not. Our greek god is too much for words, too much our poor Bella to take. He dazzles with his hard cold skin of diamonds glitter in the sun.

    And finally these two share a kiss, and much to my surprise her head DID NOT explode. However that just makes it all the less believable. we all know chapter 13 is the stage in every relationship where you realize it my be time to pee onto a white stick.

Chapter 14.

    THEY HOLD HANDS AWWW! AND EDWARD IS 107 AWWWWWWW. AND HE LOVES THE 50s (that explains that whole putting Bella in her place thing) OH EDDIE!  
    However a shocking fact is revealed to us, Bella is a virgin (Duh!) but so is our beloved greek god. The 107 Year old virgin. How very romantic. But it got me wondering can Vampires have sex? Is he a virgin because he wants to or is he just waiting for a cure to a wicked case of E.D. for a lack of a little blue pill for Vamps? And if its his first time Bella? I mean come on, Greek God can do better. You'd think he'd at least go after Marylin Monroe or something a bit more glamorous than the walking disaster thats Bella Swan. Could Bella Swan handle sex or would she just trip while on her back?  These questions bother me too much, and make me see plenty of money making potential. Someone get me a drug company number, NOW!
    We also know now Edward watches her sleep. Shes flattered and only worried she talks in her sleep. What a relationship made in heaven, she has an unnatural fixation with his beauty, and shes a giant lavender smelling steak for her. Thats true love yo. Whats the over under on the future and/or human blood feast?


Chapter 15.

    Our Lavender steak finally meets the family, a coven of vampires, oh noes! Thankfully all about is pretty tame. These vampires are actually way too tame for my liking. Where is the dramatic fight scenes and late night blood sucking. Do  you think a raccoon is a light snack or is it more like a light lunch? Also isn't a little bit too soon for I love yous and you are my life! statements between them. You'd think a 107 year old virgin would know the value of taking things slow.
    Edward is also a gifted composer. What can't he do?! Oh yeah get laid.

Chapter 16

    Every character in this book not named Bella or Edward seems deep to me. Charlie a small town shrieff who has never truly gotten over his divorce and the fact he can't really raise his daughter as he never learned. Thats oscar award winning stuff there, just cast Paul Giamati.
    Dr Cullen is a brilliant doctor who early on struggled with his early desire for human blood but over came it and was able to instead use his curse for the general good. He has since created a world around him which allows him some semblance of normalcy. Thats blockbuster potential there.
    Bella is a walking disaster area and juicy steak.
    Eddie Sparkles, and Dazzles.
    I hate this book right now.

Side Note: I joined a wonderfully hilarious livejournal community by the name of ontd_twatlight. How long is it until I start to go down alleys looking for cheap dazzles just to hold me over. I wonder

And remember real men sparkle, AND EDWARD CULLEN IS WATCHING YOU SLEEP

Chapter 9

I think chapter 9 can be summarized as follows.

Blah Blah Blah Dazzle Blah Blah Fear Blah Sparkle Blah Blah Swoon Swoon Blah DAZZLE!

Edward can't read our damsels mind how distressing, how will he ever be able to efficiently stalk her. He should be thankful in reality there isn't much going on there. And its a shame too, guys like her, so shes attractive enough, shes book smart so she has some potential to be something. But no all thats up in that little mind if EDWARD CULLEN SPARKLE P33N, if this relationship doesn't eventually end in some form of necrophilia I just don't think ill be able to find this at all believable.

And its not just Bella, “keeping Bella safe” and “obsessive stalker” are apparently interchangeable if you are a wonderful topaz eyed vamp boy.

To be Edward Cullen


Chapter 10

Bella is becoming so predictable I feel its time for another chart.

Bella's Wonderful Wide Thought Spectrum (Now in Sparkle Vision)




You see she does think about other things, like school, and how she can see Edward there. Family and how'd she'd love to start one with Edward. Her future... with Edward. And not falling, though if she falls Edward may just come save her....

We also find out that Edward is a lot like that 17 year old goth kid trying to get a little action in the back of his Toyota Camry with a 13 year old goth to be, by saying he likes to hunt mountain lions because you know they are like him. Territorial, loners, misunderstood and known to kill a human or two every few decades for no reason.

We also find out Emmet too has a favorite food, his being bear, we should exchange recipes sometime.

More stuff happened but frankly at this point my brain started to melt, no really, as I read I could feel my brain turning to mush very very slowly and I became lost and confused. I guess thats how Edward must feel after spending hours with Bella.


Chapter 11

My boy Edward likes to do this thing where he points out all the flaws Bella has as a person when it comes to her safety. How she could trip on a flat stable surface while walking. Now while I agree with this completely, she could fall off getting out of bed if she slept on the floor, I'm convinced he only does it to tear her down and then build her back up as a mindless shell of herself who is convinced the only way she can be happy and safe is through her beloved Edward. Long live codependency!

Now Stephenie Meyer disappoints me in this chapter so much. Here we have an amazing chance to get to know Bella, to finally confirm my suspicion that her favorite movie is splash and that Hanson are her musical heroes. Instead what does she tell us? That her favorite Gem stone is topaz because the color of his eyes. No, she doesn't give us insight into why Bella is Bella. Why she likes what she likes, why she listens to music. What makes her tick, and what makes her happy. No no no instead we get Topaz, more proof that Bella can only think about one and one thing only. You're dead to me Stephenie, DEAD TO ME!


Chapter 12

I think i'm actually starting to lose my mind, i'm not even kidding anymore. This isn't fun anymore, it was suppose to be a game, it went to far!

Edward still putting Bella down, when will he start hitting her. I hope Bella knows it hurts him more than it hurts her.

Bella Is now lying for Eddie so they can go to the forest of melodrama later on, Where is Dr Phil when you need him.

Will I start having dreams about Edward Cullen as portrayed by Robert Pattinson?

Why does Bella trip over everything always, is that even possible. Is the Forrest of melodrama that wrought with danger?

I could have bought a slice of pizza for the price of this book!

Theres a cliffhanger, what will happen when Edward has sunlight on him?1?1?!

I'm kind of excited to read what happens even though I know what it is I just know it will be amazingly terrible.... my life has truly hit a new low as has this book.



PS:Remember Real men haz sparkle p33ns

Oh Twilight, how you dazzle me. Why is it your less than stellar dialogue that is starting to drive me nut? Or is it the fact I can manage to read 20 pages of you and realize, wow I just read 20 pages, what happened? I also feel as if i concentrate enough I'll hear the brain cells as they beg for mercy.

Chapter 5.

    Oh Edward and Bella what won't you say? I know something intelligent!

    I can't help but wonder what a typical phone conversation sounds between them. Assuming Vampires have phones, I wonder if they do.

    Greek God: "No you hang up!
    Bells" "No, No. You hang up silly goose"

    Actually thats completely wrong. I keep getting this sense that Edward is actually really controlling based on his actions such as when he swoops Bella away from Mike and just his general attitude.

    It probably more like this
    
    Greek God; "Hang Up"
    Bella: "No you hang up silly goose"
    Greek God: I SAID HANG UP BITCH!
           *Click*

    I now truly understand the Rpattz fact "What do you say to a Bella with two black eyes? nothing, Edward already told her twice"


    Now I don't know for a fact Bella will turn into a vampire at any point in the book or any of the other two books, but if she wants to be with our Luke Perry impersonator I'd assume she too has to become a 17 year old vampire for all existence to not arise suspicion later on. Society isn't ready for 80 year olds hooking up with 17 year olds, unless you Howard Marshall, then its all high fives all around.
    Yet she faints at the sight of blood! What a terrible vampire in the making is she, the poor girl will starve to death. Well unless Edward force feeds her, in that case it will totally be fine, and we all know he wills. And plus she will have plenty of time to get use to the sight of blood, when she doesn't listen to Edward's exact instructions.

Chapter 6.

    While this happened in Chapter 5, our vamp boy told her to not get hit by a car or fall into the ocean but as she went on her beach trip I couldn't help but think it just wasn't in Bella to not die.

    But she didn't die! In fact outside of the few falls coming back from her hike (she is Bella, she's going to fall) she managed to to not require a medivac out. I think thats a good day for Bella by all accounts.

    BUT!

    The big plot twist has come, the one I already knew about but I guess might have been shocking otherwise!

    Edward may just be a blood sucking hell spawn that the Indians call the cold ones! While the Indians themselves may very well be werewolves. The plot thickens!

    Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies OH MY!

    Actually I don't know if there are any zombie but if there are zombies this book would rule! And why the hell not, its not like Bella can't find new creative ways to get herself into trouble why not brain crazed zombies that our valiant Edward can slay for our naive girl.

    In fact I petition this book be rewritten to include zombies under the title Twilight of the Living Dead.

SOMEONE MAKE THAT HAPPEN!
   
Chapter 7.

    This is one of those mind numbing chapters I refer to, I mean what really happens? I guess she does have that totally kick ass dream with Jacob and Edward. I petition that this scene in the movie be shot completely in bullet time ala matrix with Edward dressed as Neo. Summit Entertainment please grant this wish.

    Also Bella has to play badminton later on, I'm so fearful. This is a true story, when I was in high school during a game of badminton a friend of mine accidentally got hit with a racket on the eye lid as he dove for a birdie that was going to drop in between two players. I have never seen that much blood come out of a single human in my life. For the sake of every one in Bella's gym class I pray she gets the flu.

    Oh and Jessica and Mike are finally going to hook up, it was about time to be honest, this everyone wanting Bella business was getting old. Now if only Eric and Tyler would do the same. Maybe with each other! Werewolves, Vampires and Homosexual love triangles oh my? Alas I fear Forks isn't that interesting.

Chapter 8
   
    Why was chapter 7 so dull? Well clearly because chapter 8 was amazing. This was the first time in the book I enjoyed a chapter, and not because it was amazing in an academic sense but because it had everything i could ever ask for in a Twilight chapter.

    Bella and her friends decide to head out of town for some dress shopping for the spring dance Bella wont be attending. After Bella decides that she wants to buy some books, as shes oh so smart. But because Bella Swan is Bella Swan, she ends up around a large amount of warehouses.
    COULD IT BE?! A gang of angry Washington state residents waiting for a nice young girl to gang rape and kill just happen to find her. Oh what will our eternal damsel in distress do as she is surely going to be rape, killed, and dropped into the ocean! Thats if they don't choose to just forget the knives and just tear her up with their hand and burn the pieces

    BUT WAIT! HERE COMES EDDIE IN HIS LIGHTNING SILVER VOLVO TO SAVE HER

    And get Italian food of course!
   
    I'm baffled as to how Bella is alive at age 17, that girl has to be a walking danger zone. I wouldn't put at least half a dozen deaths past her. If she was real I'd never set foot in the pacific northwest again. In fact Edward goes so far as to say, that trouble doesn't find her but she is trouble, that if anything bad is going on within 100 miles its going to happen to her. All I can say to this is, Amen brother man, Amen.


But the most monumental piece of writing in the history of American literature occurs in this chapter. A line that not only stands above the rest but dazzles them at the same time.

Bella tells Edward to stop dazzling people all the time, its unfair and his response is

"Do I dazzle you?"

OH MY GOD EDWARD DO YOU EVER.

No line has or will ever top that again, writers stop writing, its pointless. Don't believe me? Well its time for a small contest I call Dazzle vs. The World (or 3 famous quotes)


"April is the cruelest month breeding lilacs out of dead land" - T.S. Elliot  The Waste Land

Who cares if April is cruel, as long as you have the dazzle! In fact dazzle breeds the best lilacs of all.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way." Charles Dickens A Tale of Two Cities

Thats irrelevant because when you dazzle that much its always the best of times, all that gloom and hell mambo jumbo be damned.


"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon" William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet

I venture to say this line would have been better if Romeo just told Juliet he dazzles her.

So Edward Cullen, via Stephenie Meyer, I tip my hat to you. This chapter has all I could ever ask for. Bella in danger, terrible dialogue and their weird obsession. 8 chapters in, for once I'm kind of dazzled.



Oh and don't forget, real men sparkle.
 

I am embarking on what may be only the second or third documented case of a straight male, in his full faculties reading for "pleasure" Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Now the quotations are there for a reason, the reason simply being as of 4 chapters I can't say enjoyment has at all been gained.
    Lets get this out of the way, I can be a snob about what I read. That's not to say I will judge you solely on that, but if your favorite novel is "What Kind of Love? The Diary of a Pregnant Teenager" well we are probably not going to be the best of friends. So when Shannon convinced me of the idea of reading Twilight for the "lulz" and making a series of humorous (hopefully) entries I jumped right on board with this idea.  I mean really whats the worst that can happen?
    I rode a bus today, reading twilight, a girl that can in no way be older than 14 with great enthusiasm in her voice told me that Twilight was her favorite book. I just sighed and closed the book to contemplate my complete lack of self dignity at that very moment.

Chapter One.

    Bella is a cliche, "I'm not pretty enough, I won't fit in!"  When did every teenager become an after school special? Claire Danes wants her shtick back.

But forget all that because the lunch room scene is by far my favorite part of this book so far. Her description launched in my head hysterical images of Greek Gods in marble statue form, holding apples pondering the nature of existence. It really is amusing beyond words to me. The Cullen's are so very dreamy indeed.

Skipping ahead to the office scene but from Edwards perspective reading Midnight Sun is so amazing. Some hot 40 year old secretary loving is in store for Mr. Edward. I wonder how does Edward not have the biggest ego in all existence. If you can read people's mind and all you ever read is "OMGZ I WANT THAT SPARKLE P33N" it has to do something to you. If Stephanie Meyer ever does me a favor, it will to publish Midnight Sun.  Just imagine it would be long internal monologues about his virtue & hunting trips & how much he loved the 50's. Most unintentionally hysterical thing to ever hit bookshelf's.

Chapter Two

Why does everyone want Bella? How can you be that smart and dumb at once? Are girls in Fork really that terrible, or has everyone just already slept with everyone once because we all know in a town of 300 there is always a village bicycle or twenty. I can't put my finger on what it is about Bella I most dislike but there is something, but Edward isn't he dreamy, in that low sexy voice of his. I wish he wasn't so  hot and cold all the time, but i guess thats just because he's misunderstood, and that makes him deep. <3 Swoon

If it wasn't for that whole vampire who craves human blood thing i'd totally want Edward as a lab partner. 60 years of experience dicing up onions can't hurt my GPA.

I bet Edward squints a lot.


Chapter Three

The car crash makes such perfect sense!!!!!

Let my very well made scientific diagram demonstrate.




Blue car in frame 1 can't break and is heading towards the ever clumsy Bella, who admiring the fact charl.... i mean dad, put chains on her tires so she wouldn't kill herself on the icey road. Why did you have to do that Charlie?.

In frame two the blue van has hit other cars and is coming towards Bella but Edward our valiant hero (or villain depending on hate for Bella) swoops in and spins her around so he's in front of the car.

In frame 3, He then stops the van which also probably hits the tan car next to them creating a small space they become pinned in. The blue van nearly crushes her leg but our stud has stopped it and dented the van in the process.

See clearly my super scientific diagram shows the blue van would have killed Bella but not for the fact our dreamy greek god Edward swooping in and around cars to save her our oh so interesting Bella.


Chapter Four

    I officially hate Bella. Is it ok to say Bella is setting back the feminist movement 50 years? Maybe i'm exaggerating, 45 tops.

Bella's Flaws

1- How can anyone be that clumsy? I always thought my mother was the clumsiest human being I'd ever met, but I'd be afraid to let Bella carry a sharp object with 100 yards of me. I still have things to live for. Bella could trip on a stiff gust of wind. Bella could slam her face on thin air. No for real she could.
2- For a girl who is "smart" she sure doesn't show it. I've now read 100 pages of her and the only impression I have is if Bella Swan is the best girl in Forks, WA then please dear god let me never end up in Fork, god has cursed that town.
3- She is overly obsessive with Edward Cullen, its kind of creepy in that fatal attraction kind of way. I like to think she secretly has built a shrine out of Edward's assorted body hairs later on, which she uses for some sick ritualistic voodoo  mating ritual. And if she hasn't its only because Stephanie Meyer left that little detail out because i refuse to believe thats not true.

Also for some reason every time she describes Edward, I get a hysterical image of Luke Perry squinting ready to take her away in his sexy Volvo.

And remember kids, real men sparkle.

    One of my earliest and fondest memories takes place when I was 5 years old. I was sitting under the bleachers of some poorly kept soccer field while eating a hot dog. My father was yelling something to the linesman, probably regarding the fact he was blind or stupid, something about that moment makes me feel warm inside. Maybe the fact I really haven't spent that kind of time with my father since I was probably 7 when he use to coach 3 soccer teams. But probably its that at that moment, a moment in 1990 that seems meaningless then, is the reason I'm up at the ungodly hour of 7 am on a perfectly good Saturday morning.

    I happen to be a huge sports fanatic. I secretly know more stats than I should. I read message boards and have been known to vent on occasions at extreme frustration at the hands of some team I can't control. Being a sports fan is a one sided affair. You give them your money and your time. Your hopes and expectations, and generally speaking, they give you heartbreak.
    I keep this all very secret of course. Yeah people who know me know I love sports, but none of them really know the sad level I can reach. How at times a teams failure has made me just hate myself for wasting time on it. The stigma of being a sports fan, especially among the more intellectual set is almost viewed like the plauge. I once told a friend of 5 years who I had safely kept the secret from about my love and she basically told me I was now just a little less in her eyes.
    King among these sad sad obsessions is soccer, or football as the rest of the world knows it. The amount of energy I have put into soccer in my life could have been used to produce a novel.
    During the 2002 World Cup, despite the fact I had school for many of the days, i'd stay up all night watching games. The pure joy and adrenaline rush of the United States 3-2 victory over Portugal made that particular nights all night very worth it. During the 2006 World Cup, I actually considered canceling on my best friend, on an event we had been planning for a whole year because that little Italy-Germany Semifinal was awfully tempting. I've on 3 occasions braved near hurricanes to set in a half empty Giant Stadium to watch RBNY play a soccer game.
    My obsession with today's particular team started in 1999. With one night, and the events that took place live in some far off stadium in Spain between Bayern Munich and Manchester United would start a love. You can say I'm a bandwagon fan. Maybe if Tottenham, Arsenal, or lowly Derby County had played that night in spain  and done what Manchester United did (2 goals in stoppage time to win the Champions League and complete the treble) I'd be up for them, but no it was Fergie and his men.
So here I sit, at 7 am. Once again up at an ungodly hour, waiting to watch a game live from London between Chelsea and Manchester United. A game that in reality does nothing for my life. So what if Manchester United loses and they lose their hopes at the title because of the momentum Chelsea would gain.
    I wish it was that simple, If I don't watch this game I will worry. What if because I didnt watch Manchester United play the game of a lifetime, Rooney and Tevez both scoring a brace. Or maybe C. Ronaldo goes off and gets a hat trick. Or worse what if Chelsea comes out on fire and hand it to them. They are on an extra days rest, at Stamford Bridge where they haven't lost since before I could legally drink.
    Its worries like this that make me go off into corners and make mystery phone calls to my sister when im out to force her to check a score for me. To send me vague text messages that fill me with joy or anger. Clearly and sadly, I'm an addict of the worst kind.
    I've had my heart torn out too by soccer teams. Watching the Metrostars (MLS) give up 3 goals in 20 minutes to lose 3-2 in aggregate. Watching this same team a year later, with a new name Red Bull New York (I'm a corporate slut) give up a stoppage time goal to let DC United advance nearly made me renounce soccer forever.
    But to tell you the truth I wouldn't change a thing. Someday RBNY is going to win a title. And i'll hopefully be in the stands. I'll probably want to cry a little (I won't) and i'll feel such joy. The joy you can only get from being addicted. The Joy you can only get from sitting in a half empty stadium in the rain realizing your life has no meaning as the team plays to a 0-0 draw. The joy only an obsessive can feel. A joy im sure the next day will pass when i realize next season I have to do it all over again.
    I sit here, watching a steaming video from the web (In some Asian language I don't even understand) because the game isnt being shown in the United States except on a channel I don't get and I have no desire to be in a bar. I just ask one thing of all of you, please don't let your children watch sports and become obsessed. And if you must please make it a sport within your own time zone. An early English or German game, is just way too early for any human to be awake with a 5 hour time difference on a Saturday.
I have to go now, I can hear the fans in London singing on the screen.